Now I know this title startles you, and yes this was a question I had to ask a man once. I have had to fight a few dogs, and even some charming cats for a man’s affection. But never did I have to fight for a man’s love with a dirty little raccoon.
Let me start this tragic tale with when we first met. I was bar-tending at Chiko’s for the time, saving my tips for tuition and vodka, when I met…. lets just call him Dick. My co-worker Shane came in for a drink to keep me company at the bar and he brought his very cute friend, Dick. So naturally I was flirting with Dick, one because he was cute and two to get a better tip, and we were really hitting it off. After my shift was over and I was shutting down the bar he invited me to go out with him and a few friends, he said there would be vodka so I couldn’t turn it down.
After a few weeks of casual drinks, dinners, and some hot cuddle sessions we started to see each other on a regular basis. One day while I was running to my tanning appointment at Sol Exotica I got a call, it was Dick. Naturally I picked up my Torch with giddiness and before I could get a few words in he said, “My friends and I found an abandoned baby raccoon and I decided to take care of it!” “What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Everyone in the salon stopped and looked at me, I forced a smile and said, “That’s great honey.”
Now I have to admit this damn little thing was cute, but every time I came over Dick abandoned me to play with the baby raccoon. The little creature was friendly with everyone, except me. When I looked in those beady black eyes I could tell that we were both competing for the same …. Dick.
One night, as I was sleeping over, Dick thought it would be cute to put the little monster on me. I naturally freaked out, jumped out of bed and screamed, “That’s it! Pick, the raccoon or me?”
So as I was walking back to my apartment, and wishing I had a dirty vodka martini in my hand, I thought one more disappointment to add to failed dating list. Who wants a man who lives with a rodent anyways? I knew that I would find my man…..eventually. Lets just say, to this day I can’t look at a raccoon without wanting to give it a good kick!!!