Turn-off Texting

sexting“I am so happy I have finally found a guy that I could see myself marrying!”  Sarah was so excited she didn’t need that Pike Place venti from Starbucks.  “You just met the guy, why are you getting your hopes up so quickly?”  I was still a little hung over from the night before and not yet ready for Sarah and her ‘he-is-my-future-husband’ talks.

“But this one is different I just know,” Sarah said with a twinkle in her eye that made my vodka-filled stomach turn.  “You always put yourself into these situations where the guy does not measure up to your expectations or you just end up doing something crazy like accidentally sleeping with someone’s dad,” I said knowing I had hit a sensitive spot.  “I told you to never talk about that situation again,” Sarah said trying to give me the scariest glare she could muster.  “And besides I know I am right about this guy.”

A few weeks ago Sarah had met William at an art opening on Queen West in which they shared a mutual love over abstract photography.  After a beautiful night of great conversation and looking at wonderful art Sarah and William had exchanged numbers.  The second she got home William texted her, “I had a wonderful night with u.  Would u be free 4 din next wk?”  And from there began Sarah’s love infatuation.

Due to both of their busy schedules they were only able to get together on the weekends, but that did not stop their romantic texting.  “Ur eyes r so beautiful I could stare at them 4ever,” he would write her almost every day.  “I am so happy to have found a man who is such a gentleman,” she would respond.

sextingDays had past and Sarah had never been so attached to her phone before.  Almost grabbing at the phone before the text had arrived proved to Sarah that she was in fact smitten with her dear William and was happy that with her horrible track record had found a decent guy.

Then, one evening after William dropped Sarah off at her apartment after dinner they started sending their good-night texts.  Sarah was about to fall asleep into sweet dreams of William brushing her away to his beautiful country home, when she had received a text from William.  “It was so hard 2 leave u tonight my love.”  Sarah smiled and was half way through writing her response when she got another incoming text from William, “I can’t wait till I am deep inside u and we r fcking like animals.”

Sarah just dropped her phone in horror.  She didn’t respond to William ever again.


Dear Mr. Douchebag

The following blog post is dedicated to my lovely friend Tessa and her hilarious story!

1345945161285_854699Dear Mr. Douchebag,

I was very happy the other night when we all went out for drinks.  You remember?  You, me, …. and your girlfriend.  We all have gone to University together and know each other well, so I thought it would be no hassle to stay the night on your couch while I was visiting the city.

You seemed to be very happy with your girlfriend.  Laughing at her jokes and holding her hand.  I was just thankful to finally be around a perfectly normal and romantic couple.  She even volunteered to be the designated driver for the night so that you and I could have some drinks.  She was perfectly lovely.That is why I was completely traumatized by what events occurred later that night.

I waved good-bye to your girlfriend as you kissed and thanked her for the drive home. We then stayed up to watch a bit of TV and eat our Poutini’s fries when you tried to put your arm around me.  I thought I was having a drunk hallucination, so decided that it was time for me to go to bed.

doucheAs I started to doze off in the spare bedroom, you came in and rested yourself beside me in the bed.  I looked at you and said, “Are you kidding me?”  And then I was waving down a taxi to take me to another friends place.

So here I am writing you a letter to let you know that you have surpassed the level of ‘asshole’ and that maybe you should reconsider dating your girlfriend.



Love and The Ballet

200trocks-200x0Last Wednesday was running… well pretty much like any other day of the week – with me running behind schedule.  An hour before the ballet begins at the Four Seasons Centre, I should be ok.  Boom – Construction! It never ceases to amaze me that on the days you just need a little bit of a time break God throws city construction your way.

I start texting my boyfriend to make sure he is on time himself.  “Hey, lots of construction on Queen, where r u?” He returns the message with a “Just about 2 leave the apt. Am I going 2 get there before u! ;P”  The harmless joke of me being behind schedule rubs me the wrong way as the st. car moves slower than the line of Cheval on a saturday night.  I respond with a short and snippy, “K!”

Just under an hour and the st. car finally makes it to the theatre.  I jump out and frantically run across University.  I get there to meet Tiffany and Alison already at the bar… but where is my boyfriend?  “You better hurry hunny, the ballet is about to start,” says Tiffany as she heads towards the theatre pulling Alison away from a cute guy she has attracted during the pre-ballet drink. Just then my boyfriend arrives with a big smile on his face, “hey babe!”  He quickly gives me a kiss on the forehead as I take no hesitation to get down to couples business.  “We need to discuss when we are getting back from your parent’s on Easter Weekend because I told Tessa we would meet her for brunch on the sunday.”

spice-up-marriage-date-night-800X800Watching incredibly skinny girls dancing in the arms of beautifully muscled men is not what I call fun, but I got a deal on the tickets so I thought it would be nice to have an evening of the arts with my man.  However, I found my mind flitting in and out of everything I needed to catch up on in my life, much like the skinny girls in point shoes on the stage.  I finally have a nice date night with my boyfriend and I can’t seem to control my brain.  Why can’t I just escape this moment and enjoy my time with this beautiful man who allows me to drag him out to boring ballet shows?  Why am I always struggling to keep my head above water with work and life?  And why can’t I get that extension I asked for?

Then, almost as smoothly as the principal male picked up the gorgeous ballet dancer, my boyfriend grabbed for my hand.  And just like that my mind was at rest and I was suddenly in the moment.  I was watching a beautiful ballet, with a beautiful man, and finally able to stop and appreciate my beautiful relationship.

Here’s To Trimming The Fat!

339021-3423-35This past weekend I went to the yoga studio with my good girlfriend Tina to help center ourselves after a stressful week. Sixty downward dogs and a balanced Chakra later we found ourselves at our regular cafe on Queen West, The Beaver. And naturally after some quick catch-up about work the conversation went towards relationships. Tina then informed me that she started again seeing her toxic crush, Aaron.

Now Aaron was that beautiful guy that any young woman would fall for. He had light brown hair, blue eyes, and was an “artist”. Which roughly translates into a player who you will probably have to support financially until you have finally shaken his deadbeat ass off of your ‘gravy train.’ I had a bitter taste about Aaron from the beginning when he showed no sign of committing to Tina. And just to my dismay… he was back!

“He just got out of a bad relationship with his ex and doesn’t want to rush into anything right now,” Tina explained as if she was trying to convince herself that she was fine with that fact. “And besides there is no one special in my life and he makes me feel good when he is around. So what is wrong with that?”

nationalendbadrelationshipdayInstantly my inner rage was back in full swing and I found myself thinking, as I ordered a Mimosa, “Well, so much for Yoga!” But this is something we all do as young hopefuls in this challenging game of love. We put aside our best interests for men who, quite frankly will refuse to ever give us what we really want and deserve… a relationship! And how are you actually going to find Mr. Perfect if you are constantly distracted by half-ass relationships that are moving slower than the King Street car during rush hour?

As soon as my Mimosa was brought to the table I raised my glass to Tina to make a toast to both our well-being for the week. And as our glasses clinked, I smiled and said, “Here’s to trimming the fat!”

The Reunion

getting-readyI was running around the condo frantically trying to get ready for the girls to come over. It was months since we last got together and I was excited to be back with everyone again. And as I was unsuccessfully trying to make the party snacks, three other girls were rushing out their doors.

Sheila came dashing out the door of her east end house towards the taxi that was waiting for her at the end of the driveway. Slamming the door behind her Sheila looked at the taxi driver and said, “Liberty Village please!” Once she caught the taxi drivers eye in the rear view mirror, she batted her eyelashes, “Oh, and can we make it there in less than 10 minutes!”

Natalie almost cried with joy when she pulled out a pair of heels from her closet that were not yet murdered by her new puppy. “Now Elliott, please behave and mommy will give you a treat when I get home.” Elliott cocked his head at the comment as if to imply he didn’t understand what she was talking about. Natalie quickly gave Elliott a kiss on the head and as she walked out the door thought, “It is finally nice to have a man that I can train.”

9405In the beautiful High Park area, Mel was finishing her glass of red wine before grabbing her Burberry jacket. She looked at her watch to see that she was running on perfect time. Knowing the other girls and their fashionably late track records, she knew that she had time for one last glass of wine.

Finally everyone had made it to my place and was enjoying each other’s company while sipping on my fabulous home-made dirty martinis. Despite the few career advances it was as if we spent no time apart at all. And like true form Natalie blurted, “You will never guess what happened the other night when this guy took me out on a date!” And just like that, the girls were back in ‘The Game.’

Serving Love

loveA few years ago my friend Lulu was in the city visiting from out West.  We decided to catch up in fashion with many, many drinks.  But, it was not only the drinks that Lulu and I had our eyes on, our server was Latin and was hot, hot, hot!!!  It wasn’t long till the liquid courage started developing in Lulu and I and we started clearly flirting with the waiter.

As the bill came and Lulu went to the washroom to freshen up, the alcohol made my naughtiness come out in full bloom.  I took a pen out of my bag and wrote a ‘thank you’ followed by a smily face with Lulu’s number!  Of course to keep the whole plan a secret I told Lulu that I was going to pay for dinner.

As the server came by to pick up my credit card he noticed the number and gave me a look of confusion.  I put my finger on my lips and motioned to him that the number was Lulu’s.  He then looked at Lulu with his beautiful Latin eyes and smiled at her before leaving the table.  Lulu looked at me with giddiness and said, “He is such a sexy man!”

img-thingLater that night when we were watching a horribly graphic movie, which Lulu said received great reviews, the Latin server texted her.  She was shocked and screamed (during the movie), “How did he get my number?”  I smiled and that was answer enough for Lulu.  Later that week during her visit Lulu and the Latin had gone on many dates.

Two years later Lulu let me know she was coming down to visit again.  And just as I was about to make arrangements for her stay she said, “Don’t worry about it love! I am staying with my Latin lover!”

My New Year’s Resolution – Being Fabulous!

SP-Toronto_New-Years-Party-600x400As the clock strikes Midnight thousands of young hopefuls are kissing.  Whether you are smooching your perfect boyfriend, your best friend, or kissing a guy whose name you don’t remember, you are ultimately trying to create your prosperity for the new year.

But, what we don’t realize is that we give that new year’s good luck to ourselves! How is it that there is so much pressure on the new year’s kiss?  Is the guy you just met outside the washroom two minutes ago really going to bring you good luck for the new year?  I don’t quite think that is how it works.

I think creating your new year’s resolution is all about the lessons you learned from your previous year’s mistakes.  I think the only way to learn and further develop is by getting messy and making mistakes.  Because, how else will you realize what you don’t want in life!

So my new year’s resolution is to take each day as it comes, shoot for my dreams… and be fabulous!

Confront The Booty Call

funny-image-1016The other day I met my friend Melissa for a quick brunch and Mimosa at the O&B Canteen.  It didn’t take long before brunch turned into chatter about blow jobs.  You know, just the regular brunch talk!  Anyways, Melissa then brought up some news that she was in contact with Richard.

Richard was Melissa’s first true love.  Melissa loved Richard’s dick.  Melissa loved Richard’s handsome style.  Melissa loved Richard’s blue eyes.  Melissa … well, she just loved Richard.  Then one day Richard had to move out of the city for business.  And we all know what moving out-of-town for business ultimately means… breakup!!!  Melissa was so devastated she was in bed for two days straight, and she is one of the toughest gals I know.

So when Melissa told me that Richard had contacted her I thought it time for a stronger drink.  I called the server over, looked at them sweetly and said, “dirty martini please!” Melissa then went on to tell me that he was in town for a few days at the SoHo for business  and wanted to see her.  But, of course Melissa was a very busy woman and only could meet up with him late at night!  And when Richard was about to finalize the plans Melissa texted him, “Don’t think this is a booty call!”

booty-call-hurricane-sandy-electronic-devices-apology-ecards-someecardsWell, Richard seemed somewhat offended in this response.  And just like true Richard form, he somehow gained another late night business meeting and had to cancel their date.  First I felt very sad for Melissa.  What if she didn’t say anything about the booty call? Would he have still met her? Was he ashamed of breaking Melissa’s heart in the past?  Or was he guilty that she called him out on his douchebag move?

And just like Melissa was reading my mind she said, “Don’t worry hunny! I don’t want to ruin my memory of love with Richard with a booty call! If I wanted a real booty call I would head over to the Madison for some college boy attention!”