Mr. Clingy

2234617585_3pnhfc_xlargeI was just finishing at the gym in Liberty Village when I was surprised to see many frantic texts from Kaitlyn. “Remember when I said that I told Nathan that we were just going to be friends? Well, last night when we were out he introduced me to his friends as his GIRLFRIEND!!” I felt bad that her annoying love life was my main source of entertainment this week. “And his profile pic on Facebook is of him and I!” She sounded like she was having a meltdown. “OMG, he is calling me right now!” Poor Kaitlyn, I hope she has some extra percocets to get through this one.

Kaitlyn had just hit that frame of mind after the ending of a long-term relationship where you finally feel that it is ok to be single. Unfortunately, that was when Nathan (a.k.a “Mr. Clingy”) came into the picture. He was tall, beautiful and worked in the music industry. I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty perfect to me. And so did Kaitlyn, until one day when Mr. Perfect turned into Mr. Clingy.

After a few weeks of seeing each other, and a few too many cocktails, Kaitlyn had accidentally agreed to becoming more than just friends with Nathan. However, she was not at all ready for what she would face the next day.

Mr Clingy“He wouldn’t leave! He wanted to cuddle the whole day, and his morning breath was so bad!!!” I tried to contain my laughter and be more supportive when Kaitlyn was showing signs of fleeing the City. “I finally made my friend text me to say that she just “broke-up” with her boyfriend so that I had an excuse to leave.”

Even though Kaitlyn was extremely annoyed by the love from Mr. Clingy, I was very happy to see her confidence in being independent. I mean, we all see girls break-up with the love of their life to only run to another man a week later. Hell, I am even guilty of that sin. But, is being alone really that bad? Do we need to have our love jump from one man to the next without anytime to heal? And, can we fully embrace and find peace within being alone?

Well one thing is for sure, Kaitlyn has no trouble being an independent woman and I love her for it. I just hope Mr. Clingy is as accepting of her independence.

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Turn-off Texting

sexting“I am so happy I have finally found a guy that I could see myself marrying!”  Sarah was so excited she didn’t need that Pike Place venti from Starbucks.  “You just met the guy, why are you getting your hopes up so quickly?”  I was still a little hung over from the night before and not yet ready for Sarah and her ‘he-is-my-future-husband’ talks.

“But this one is different I just know,” Sarah said with a twinkle in her eye that made my vodka-filled stomach turn.  “You always put yourself into these situations where the guy does not measure up to your expectations or you just end up doing something crazy like accidentally sleeping with someone’s dad,” I said knowing I had hit a sensitive spot.  “I told you to never talk about that situation again,” Sarah said trying to give me the scariest glare she could muster.  “And besides I know I am right about this guy.”

A few weeks ago Sarah had met William at an art opening on Queen West in which they shared a mutual love over abstract photography.  After a beautiful night of great conversation and looking at wonderful art Sarah and William had exchanged numbers.  The second she got home William texted her, “I had a wonderful night with u.  Would u be free 4 din next wk?”  And from there began Sarah’s love infatuation.

Due to both of their busy schedules they were only able to get together on the weekends, but that did not stop their romantic texting.  “Ur eyes r so beautiful I could stare at them 4ever,” he would write her almost every day.  “I am so happy to have found a man who is such a gentleman,” she would respond.

sextingDays had past and Sarah had never been so attached to her phone before.  Almost grabbing at the phone before the text had arrived proved to Sarah that she was in fact smitten with her dear William and was happy that with her horrible track record had found a decent guy.

Then, one evening after William dropped Sarah off at her apartment after dinner they started sending their good-night texts.  Sarah was about to fall asleep into sweet dreams of William brushing her away to his beautiful country home, when she had received a text from William.  “It was so hard 2 leave u tonight my love.”  Sarah smiled and was half way through writing her response when she got another incoming text from William, “I can’t wait till I am deep inside u and we r fcking like animals.”

Sarah just dropped her phone in horror.  She didn’t respond to William ever again.

Dear Mr. Douchebag

The following blog post is dedicated to my lovely friend Tessa and her hilarious story!

1345945161285_854699Dear Mr. Douchebag,

I was very happy the other night when we all went out for drinks.  You remember?  You, me, …. and your girlfriend.  We all have gone to University together and know each other well, so I thought it would be no hassle to stay the night on your couch while I was visiting the city.

You seemed to be very happy with your girlfriend.  Laughing at her jokes and holding her hand.  I was just thankful to finally be around a perfectly normal and romantic couple.  She even volunteered to be the designated driver for the night so that you and I could have some drinks.  She was perfectly lovely.That is why I was completely traumatized by what events occurred later that night.

I waved good-bye to your girlfriend as you kissed and thanked her for the drive home. We then stayed up to watch a bit of TV and eat our Poutini’s fries when you tried to put your arm around me.  I thought I was having a drunk hallucination, so decided that it was time for me to go to bed.

doucheAs I started to doze off in the spare bedroom, you came in and rested yourself beside me in the bed.  I looked at you and said, “Are you kidding me?”  And then I was waving down a taxi to take me to another friends place.

So here I am writing you a letter to let you know that you have surpassed the level of ‘asshole’ and that maybe you should reconsider dating your girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Tessa

Here’s To Trimming The Fat!

339021-3423-35This past weekend I went to the yoga studio with my good girlfriend Tina to help center ourselves after a stressful week. Sixty downward dogs and a balanced Chakra later we found ourselves at our regular cafe on Queen West, The Beaver. And naturally after some quick catch-up about work the conversation went towards relationships. Tina then informed me that she started again seeing her toxic crush, Aaron.

Now Aaron was that beautiful guy that any young woman would fall for. He had light brown hair, blue eyes, and was an “artist”. Which roughly translates into a player who you will probably have to support financially until you have finally shaken his deadbeat ass off of your ‘gravy train.’ I had a bitter taste about Aaron from the beginning when he showed no sign of committing to Tina. And just to my dismay… he was back!

“He just got out of a bad relationship with his ex and doesn’t want to rush into anything right now,” Tina explained as if she was trying to convince herself that she was fine with that fact. “And besides there is no one special in my life and he makes me feel good when he is around. So what is wrong with that?”

nationalendbadrelationshipdayInstantly my inner rage was back in full swing and I found myself thinking, as I ordered a Mimosa, “Well, so much for Yoga!” But this is something we all do as young hopefuls in this challenging game of love. We put aside our best interests for men who, quite frankly will refuse to ever give us what we really want and deserve… a relationship! And how are you actually going to find Mr. Perfect if you are constantly distracted by half-ass relationships that are moving slower than the King Street car during rush hour?

As soon as my Mimosa was brought to the table I raised my glass to Tina to make a toast to both our well-being for the week. And as our glasses clinked, I smiled and said, “Here’s to trimming the fat!”

The Reunion

getting-readyI was running around the condo frantically trying to get ready for the girls to come over. It was months since we last got together and I was excited to be back with everyone again. And as I was unsuccessfully trying to make the party snacks, three other girls were rushing out their doors.

Sheila came dashing out the door of her east end house towards the taxi that was waiting for her at the end of the driveway. Slamming the door behind her Sheila looked at the taxi driver and said, “Liberty Village please!” Once she caught the taxi drivers eye in the rear view mirror, she batted her eyelashes, “Oh, and can we make it there in less than 10 minutes!”

Natalie almost cried with joy when she pulled out a pair of heels from her closet that were not yet murdered by her new puppy. “Now Elliott, please behave and mommy will give you a treat when I get home.” Elliott cocked his head at the comment as if to imply he didn’t understand what she was talking about. Natalie quickly gave Elliott a kiss on the head and as she walked out the door thought, “It is finally nice to have a man that I can train.”

9405In the beautiful High Park area, Mel was finishing her glass of red wine before grabbing her Burberry jacket. She looked at her watch to see that she was running on perfect time. Knowing the other girls and their fashionably late track records, she knew that she had time for one last glass of wine.

Finally everyone had made it to my place and was enjoying each other’s company while sipping on my fabulous home-made dirty martinis. Despite the few career advances it was as if we spent no time apart at all. And like true form Natalie blurted, “You will never guess what happened the other night when this guy took me out on a date!” And just like that, the girls were back in ‘The Game.’

Confront The Booty Call

funny-image-1016The other day I met my friend Melissa for a quick brunch and Mimosa at the O&B Canteen.  It didn’t take long before brunch turned into chatter about blow jobs.  You know, just the regular brunch talk!  Anyways, Melissa then brought up some news that she was in contact with Richard.

Richard was Melissa’s first true love.  Melissa loved Richard’s dick.  Melissa loved Richard’s handsome style.  Melissa loved Richard’s blue eyes.  Melissa … well, she just loved Richard.  Then one day Richard had to move out of the city for business.  And we all know what moving out-of-town for business ultimately means… breakup!!!  Melissa was so devastated she was in bed for two days straight, and she is one of the toughest gals I know.

So when Melissa told me that Richard had contacted her I thought it time for a stronger drink.  I called the server over, looked at them sweetly and said, “dirty martini please!” Melissa then went on to tell me that he was in town for a few days at the SoHo for business  and wanted to see her.  But, of course Melissa was a very busy woman and only could meet up with him late at night!  And when Richard was about to finalize the plans Melissa texted him, “Don’t think this is a booty call!”

booty-call-hurricane-sandy-electronic-devices-apology-ecards-someecardsWell, Richard seemed somewhat offended in this response.  And just like true Richard form, he somehow gained another late night business meeting and had to cancel their date.  First I felt very sad for Melissa.  What if she didn’t say anything about the booty call? Would he have still met her? Was he ashamed of breaking Melissa’s heart in the past?  Or was he guilty that she called him out on his douchebag move?

And just like Melissa was reading my mind she said, “Don’t worry hunny! I don’t want to ruin my memory of love with Richard with a booty call! If I wanted a real booty call I would head over to the Madison for some college boy attention!”

The Same Mistake

Once upon a time there was a smart and beautiful girl, and her name was Mel.  Mel was brought up in the most supportive environment and had many opportunities at her fingertips.  With everything that she was given she never took anything for granted and was thankful for all of her support.  She had the world at her finger tips; she was smart, beautiful, well spoken and driven.

One day Mel met her perfect male counterpart.  He was successful, kind and very sexy.  He was the man who Mel saw herself getting married to and was grateful that he came into her life.  They could talk about each other’s secrets, had the same values and both were involved in the same past-time activities.

One night Mel and Mr. Perfect were out for the most magical night of fabulous food, strong drinks, and wonderful entertainment.  The night then ended in a magical evening of sexual passion.  Mel awoke being held by Mr. Perfect and knew that in his arms was where she belonged.

However, this did not seem like the end of Mel’s fairytale.  Mr. Perfect ended up being not-so perfect and she found herself begging for the one thing she needed and he couldn’t give her; a relationship. Mel was heart-broken and for the first time this bright-eyed girl had no hope.

After a few years Mel had accomplished a great deal.  She traveled, got her dream job, had the most supportive friends, and had an apartment that you would kill for.  But on an evening out on the town with the girls she ran into Mr. Perfect.  Would she let her guard down again after working so hard on moving on?  Maybe it was fate giving them another chance?  After all, it was the first place they met.

Mel woke up.  Once again she was in the arms of Mr. Perfect after a blissful night of passion.  But, this time she had a different feeling.  Mel slipped out of bed without waking Mr. Perfect and left leaving her lost dreams behind in the bed.  As she stepped into the taxi she looked back up towards Mr. Perfect’s condo and realized she did it again.  She made the same mistake.

The Straw That Broke The Relationship’s Back

Late as usual, I found myself throwing cash at the taxi driver as I stumbled into the restaurant.  Sure enough Tessa was waiting at the table for me with a drink in hand to medicate her stress from the week.  I hadn’t seen my friend in ages, so was very excited to catch up with her formally over some vodka.  I threw my coat on the chair, “So what is new my favourite….”

“I am over men and even trying to date them!” Tessa screamed before I could even finish my sentence.  I signed to the bartender to get me a drink and sat attentively to the story of Tessa and her boy-that-went-wrong situation.

Tessa met this very attractive man by the name of Steve.  Steve was tall, dark, and perfectly scruffy.  A dream boat for the trendy-art-scene kind of girl.  Scruff and tattoos, how could you go wrong?

One night Tessa was coming back from the gym and looked at the text message sent by Steve.  “Hey babe, you wanna come over and spend the night with me in my hot tub?”  “Sorry Steve, I am having a girls night at my place tonight,” she texted back.  “They can come hang out in the hot tub too;)” Tessa’s mouth dropped, she was just not the kind of girl who shared.

A second chance.  Steve and Tessa were at dinner.  The night was beautiful; wine, steak, candle light.  Then Tessa felt something rubbing up against her leg.  She looked slighty under the table to see that Steve had taken off his shoe and now was rubbing her leg with his foot.  She looked up to see Steve winking at her, but all that she could think was, “His dirty foot is touching my leg!”

The straw that broke the relationship’s back.  One day Steve and Tessa were arranging a seafood date over text.  “As long as there is lobster at this place I will be content,” texted Tessa.  Steve replied, “Well I am in the mood for some good Calamary.”

Hold the front door! Steve just spelt Calamari completely wrong.  And that was the straw that broke the relationship’s back.

“So you dumped a guy because he spelt Calamari wrong?” I said as I finished off my drink and motioned for another.  “Of course hunny! How do you expect me to date an idiot who can’t spell,” said Tessa as she downed the rest of her drink.  I rolled my eyes, but ultimately agreed with her.

Did That Just Happen?

It is Saturday morning and I am woken by my phone frantically buzzing.  I look at my night table to see my phone flashing and notice my head is pounding from last night’s drink fest.  The phone starts ringing again.  Who ever is trying to get a hold of me clearly is not going to give up that easily.  I pull myself out of bed and stagger over to my phone.  I can taste the dirty martini on my breath and instantly feel sick… Focus!! I look at my cell and notice Sarah on the caller ID.

“OMG we need to talk immediately,” she screams before I have a chance to even say hello.  “Okay darling, but you are going to have to talk quietly, my head is pounding!”  I could hear the panic in her voice, “So, remember last night when I went to Stacey’s…”

Sarah had arrived to Stacey’s cottage and was ready to party.  She had been working two weeks straight without a day off and was counting on this week to let loose.  Finally a group of about ten friends had arrived and they started the festivities by smoking some really strong pot.  The second Sarah had inhaled the smoke she could feel the tension in her muscles release.  Then Stacey’s father arrived with some beer kegs he had brought to the cottage in the back of his truck.  Sarah didn’t know if it was the pot or the fact that he brought booze to the party, but Stacey’s father was fairly attractive… for a dad.

The night progressively became more and more fuzzy to Sarah.  The only thing that she could seem to conjure up was a cloudy vision of her drinking from the spout of the keg.  And when she awoke she was horrified to see Stacey’s father next to her in the bed.  What had she done? Did she just sleep with Stacey’s father?

Stacey’s father got up for work and Sarah pretended that she was asleep to avoid any more embarrassment.  Then Stacey’s father kissed her on the head and said, “I have to leave for work right now, but I am going to leave my phone number on the table.  I had a great time last night.”  Sarah didn’t say anything she just nodded as she watched Stacey’s father leave the bedroom.  She then looked at the slip of paper containing his contact number in horror.

“Did that just happen?”  Sarah sounded like she had just seen an alien.  “Sounds like he had a good time,” I said with slight amusement and happy that this hilarious scenario was distracting me from my killer hangover.  “I just got up and left without the number, I was mortified,” she said to me as if she had just seen the apocalypse.  I snickered and said, “Well, it was no different from most of the guys you sleep with… hardly memorable enough to remember!”

Mom’s Sex Talk: It Probably Won’t Get Better!

A few years ago I had just got out of a messy relationship and was on the rebound for love.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places and was routinely settling for men that I knew I could do better than.  But despite my lack of stability in finding love, I still attempted.

One afternoon I met this modestly cute man named Mike.  My girl-friend lived in the Festival Tower Condos and had a wonderful roof-top pool.  So while we were lounging and drinking some home-made pina coladas I was approached by Mike.  He was fairly simple looking and wearing a frumpy pair of swim trunks, yet he still had the courage to approach me and the girls.  We started talking, which led to flirting, which led to him asking, “Would you like to come to my condo for a drink?”

Thanks to those very strong pina coladas, the next thing I remember is Mike throwing me on to his bed as we started the dirty tango.  The foreplay was awkward and felt forced.  I am sure he is nervous, the sex will be better.  Then he went down on me.  The only thing running through my mind was how much better I could pleasure myself.  Then when we finally had sex, it was the most boring intercourse I have ever had.

Mike fell asleep beside me with a huge grin of satisfaction on his face.  He has to be an idiot to believe that I enjoyed sex with him or that I could even cum with that sloppy sex technique of his.  I left while he was sleeping and did the only thing I knew to do in a situation like this… I called my mom.

After explaining the whole ordeal to my mother I was considering going on another date with Mike.  I was so focused on finding love that I was willing to result to a life of boring-ass sex … or no sex.  Then my mom gave her famous words of wisdom, “Well if the sex is bad now, it probably won’t get better!”