Turn-off Texting

sexting“I am so happy I have finally found a guy that I could see myself marrying!”  Sarah was so excited she didn’t need that Pike Place venti from Starbucks.  “You just met the guy, why are you getting your hopes up so quickly?”  I was still a little hung over from the night before and not yet ready for Sarah and her ‘he-is-my-future-husband’ talks.

“But this one is different I just know,” Sarah said with a twinkle in her eye that made my vodka-filled stomach turn.  “You always put yourself into these situations where the guy does not measure up to your expectations or you just end up doing something crazy like accidentally sleeping with someone’s dad,” I said knowing I had hit a sensitive spot.  “I told you to never talk about that situation again,” Sarah said trying to give me the scariest glare she could muster.  “And besides I know I am right about this guy.”

A few weeks ago Sarah had met William at an art opening on Queen West in which they shared a mutual love over abstract photography.  After a beautiful night of great conversation and looking at wonderful art Sarah and William had exchanged numbers.  The second she got home William texted her, “I had a wonderful night with u.  Would u be free 4 din next wk?”  And from there began Sarah’s love infatuation.

Due to both of their busy schedules they were only able to get together on the weekends, but that did not stop their romantic texting.  “Ur eyes r so beautiful I could stare at them 4ever,” he would write her almost every day.  “I am so happy to have found a man who is such a gentleman,” she would respond.

sextingDays had past and Sarah had never been so attached to her phone before.  Almost grabbing at the phone before the text had arrived proved to Sarah that she was in fact smitten with her dear William and was happy that with her horrible track record had found a decent guy.

Then, one evening after William dropped Sarah off at her apartment after dinner they started sending their good-night texts.  Sarah was about to fall asleep into sweet dreams of William brushing her away to his beautiful country home, when she had received a text from William.  “It was so hard 2 leave u tonight my love.”  Sarah smiled and was half way through writing her response when she got another incoming text from William, “I can’t wait till I am deep inside u and we r fcking like animals.”

Sarah just dropped her phone in horror.  She didn’t respond to William ever again.


Pick, The Raccoon or Me?

Now I know this title startles you, and yes this was a question I had to ask a man once.  I have had to fight a few dogs, and even some charming cats for a man’s affection.  But never did I have to fight for a man’s love with a dirty little raccoon.

Let me start this tragic tale with when we first met.  I was bar-tending at Chiko’s for the time, saving my tips for tuition and vodka, when I met…. lets just call him Dick.  My co-worker Shane came in for a drink to keep me company at the bar and he brought his very cute friend, Dick.  So naturally I was flirting with Dick, one because he was cute and two to get a better tip, and we were really hitting it off.  After my shift was over and I was shutting down the bar he invited me to go out with him and a few friends, he said there would be vodka so I couldn’t turn it down.

After a few weeks of casual drinks, dinners, and some hot cuddle sessions we started to see each other on a regular basis.  One day while I was running to my tanning appointment at Sol Exotica I got a call, it was Dick.  Naturally I picked up my Torch with giddiness and before I could get a few words in he said, “My friends and I found an abandoned baby raccoon and I decided to take care of it!”  “What?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Everyone in the salon stopped and looked at me, I forced a smile and said, “That’s great honey.”

Now I have to admit this damn little thing was cute, but every time I came over Dick abandoned me to play with the baby raccoon.  The little creature was friendly with everyone, except me.  When I looked in those beady  black eyes I could tell that we were both competing for the same …. Dick.

One night, as I was sleeping over, Dick thought it would be cute to put the little monster on me.  I naturally freaked out, jumped out of bed and screamed, “That’s it! Pick, the raccoon or me?”

So as I was walking back to my apartment, and wishing I had a dirty vodka martini in my hand, I thought one more disappointment to add to failed dating list.  Who wants a man who lives with a rodent anyways?  I knew that I would find my man…..eventually.  Lets just say, to this day I can’t look at a raccoon without wanting to give it a good kick!!!

Deal Breakers

Me: Tell me something interesting about you.

Cute Man: Like what?  What do you want to know?

Me: I don’t know, surprise me!

Cute Man:  Well I am getting through a messy divorce and have two children.


So that was my deal breaker.  How could I date a man with children?  I have more vodka in my fridge then food.  I can’t date a man with rug rats, even if he was drop-dead gorgeous.  But we all have deal breakers, you know those tiny little flaws that will determine whether or not we move from dating to a monogamous relationship.  Some are small like not paying for dinner.  Whereas some are larger, like going through a divorce.  The point is we all have them.  So I started asking the question, “What’s your deal breaker?”

Robin’s Deal Breaker:  “A man who has no ambitions in life and just sits in his basement smoking pot and playing video games.”

Sheila’s Deal Breaker:  “A man who can’t form a tangible sentence or tell you what he is actually feeling in the relationship.”

Yasmin’s Deal Breaker:  “Someone that lives with too much shit and doesn’t know who they really are.”

Martin’s Deal Breaker:  “A girl who never gets off her phone and uses too many F*#$ing emoticons.”

So it is clear that we all have various deal breakers.  What are we able to live with in a relationship?  Are some flaws forgivable?  Or are some flaws just deal breakers?

What is your deal breaker?