Turn-off Texting

sexting“I am so happy I have finally found a guy that I could see myself marrying!”  Sarah was so excited she didn’t need that Pike Place venti from Starbucks.  “You just met the guy, why are you getting your hopes up so quickly?”  I was still a little hung over from the night before and not yet ready for Sarah and her ‘he-is-my-future-husband’ talks.

“But this one is different I just know,” Sarah said with a twinkle in her eye that made my vodka-filled stomach turn.  “You always put yourself into these situations where the guy does not measure up to your expectations or you just end up doing something crazy like accidentally sleeping with someone’s dad,” I said knowing I had hit a sensitive spot.  “I told you to never talk about that situation again,” Sarah said trying to give me the scariest glare she could muster.  “And besides I know I am right about this guy.”

A few weeks ago Sarah had met William at an art opening on Queen West in which they shared a mutual love over abstract photography.  After a beautiful night of great conversation and looking at wonderful art Sarah and William had exchanged numbers.  The second she got home William texted her, “I had a wonderful night with u.  Would u be free 4 din next wk?”  And from there began Sarah’s love infatuation.

Due to both of their busy schedules they were only able to get together on the weekends, but that did not stop their romantic texting.  “Ur eyes r so beautiful I could stare at them 4ever,” he would write her almost every day.  “I am so happy to have found a man who is such a gentleman,” she would respond.

sextingDays had past and Sarah had never been so attached to her phone before.  Almost grabbing at the phone before the text had arrived proved to Sarah that she was in fact smitten with her dear William and was happy that with her horrible track record had found a decent guy.

Then, one evening after William dropped Sarah off at her apartment after dinner they started sending their good-night texts.  Sarah was about to fall asleep into sweet dreams of William brushing her away to his beautiful country home, when she had received a text from William.  “It was so hard 2 leave u tonight my love.”  Sarah smiled and was half way through writing her response when she got another incoming text from William, “I can’t wait till I am deep inside u and we r fcking like animals.”

Sarah just dropped her phone in horror.  She didn’t respond to William ever again.


Dear Mr. Douchebag

The following blog post is dedicated to my lovely friend Tessa and her hilarious story!

1345945161285_854699Dear Mr. Douchebag,

I was very happy the other night when we all went out for drinks.  You remember?  You, me, …. and your girlfriend.  We all have gone to University together and know each other well, so I thought it would be no hassle to stay the night on your couch while I was visiting the city.

You seemed to be very happy with your girlfriend.  Laughing at her jokes and holding her hand.  I was just thankful to finally be around a perfectly normal and romantic couple.  She even volunteered to be the designated driver for the night so that you and I could have some drinks.  She was perfectly lovely.That is why I was completely traumatized by what events occurred later that night.

I waved good-bye to your girlfriend as you kissed and thanked her for the drive home. We then stayed up to watch a bit of TV and eat our Poutini’s fries when you tried to put your arm around me.  I thought I was having a drunk hallucination, so decided that it was time for me to go to bed.

doucheAs I started to doze off in the spare bedroom, you came in and rested yourself beside me in the bed.  I looked at you and said, “Are you kidding me?”  And then I was waving down a taxi to take me to another friends place.

So here I am writing you a letter to let you know that you have surpassed the level of ‘asshole’ and that maybe you should reconsider dating your girlfriend.



The L Bomb

The L Bomb!  I am sure we all know what I am talking about when I mention that term.  This weapon can be very dangerous.  If said at the right time it could conjure up the greatest emotions.  But if anticipated too soon it could blow up in your face, causing your heart to feel like it is about to spontaneously combust.  So when is a good time to say “I love you?”

My friend Bridget, I changed her name for this post, is the first one to say, “You never tell a man you love him until he has said it to you first, you must play by the rules.”  Bridget only dates the rich and accomplished men in Toronto so it is not at all surprising when she says things like this to me.  Taking a sip out of her fruity Martini with a real garnished Lily on the rim she glared at me, “This is why you always get your heart broken, you fall in love too fast.  You need to play the game to make sure he loves you first, then you can let yourself say ‘I love you.'”

But is it wrong to say ‘I love you’ if that is really how you feel?  I mean does not every song we here on the radio and movie we see on TV tell us to follow our heart?  I grew up as an actor and was trained to act on impulse, as well as say and do what is exactly on my mind.  And does time really have a play in when to say ‘I love you?’  I know it may have some sway, but I know people who have been together for a long time and don’t really love each other.

Before we leave Earls, Bridget grabs her Louis as we get up from our chairs and says, “Maybe you think you are in love because you are still in that Honey Moon Stage.”  But what if the emotion you feel is love?  Does it matter how long you have been dating someone?  Should you hide what you feel to save your ego?  My answer is clear.  NO.  I will continue to act on emotion, it makes me witty and incredibly interesting.  I am not afraid of putting myself on the line and telling him how I feel.

But what if when you say the L Bomb, he doesn’t say it back?  That sudden rush of adrenaline turns into a suffocating feeling of rejection.  And suddenly you start to doubt the relationship or if he will ever feel the same as you?

The real question is, should you follow your heart or should you play by the game?